So, we went to spread my uncle's ashes today, down in Caswell bay, like he wanted. It was a sad day. But it felt like closure... know what I mean? Like we've finally said good-bye.
It's always going to be sad, losing someone. But time heals these wounds, even though the scar never fades, you'll learn how to cope with your loss.
Moving on from my random insight.
Today's chapter of Do You Remember Me? is sorta insightful. Remember yesterday how I told you that I couldn't think of what to write, and when it came to it, I'll just write? That's what I did. I got some inspiration for the chapter when I was down in Caswell bay. Thinking about life. The idea is sorta reflected here too. I think it's a nice chapter. I'll earmark it as my favourite so far. I like the relaxed feeling about it. How even though not much is going on, you don't feel like you need much to be going on.
Well, that's how I feel anyway...
So here's chapter 18 of DYRM.
Chapter 18
I like the beach, I decided. It was dawn, well, just before. I’d been on the beach a while. Not too long, but long enough to enjoy the cool breeze, and the slow tides of the water.
I’d decided to come to the beach, after tossing and turning. I couldn’t get back to sleep after Maggie left. Everything was just on my mind.
I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving. I hadn’t even left a note. I was probably going to hear about it when I got back. I knew I was going to get hell for putting them through so much worry, but I’m sure they can last an extra day without me after going nearly a year without me.
Soon after arriving to the beach, I’d started smoking the pot. I know it wasn’t a good idea, that I should probably have just gone without them. That I should quit. I just can’t seem to bare my stressed life without them.
I’d thought about a lot of things since coming here. Magic. School. Memories. Dreams.
I had no idea what to make of it all. I hadn’t been awake all that long, and it already feels like life is boiling over me and I seem to have no control over it whilst everyone else seems to believe that I have everything under control. That there’s nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with themselves. That now that I’m back, everything is going to be great. That we’ll find Hayley and Jesse, and we’ll all go back to being normal again, like nothing ever happened.
I know, deep down, that that’s never going to happen. I can tell just by how rubbish my life’s going at the moment.
Sunrise is really pretty. It paints the sky in an orange glow in an attempt to warm the world. Why can’t I feel the warmth of the sun? Why won’t it warm me? Am I forever going to be stuck in this iceberg of a person I used to be? I know I’ll never be the same person I used to be.
Maggie and Jim seemed to think that once I get my memories back, everything will be okay again. That I’ll be back to normal and they can pretend like all this drama never happened to them.
I like the cold feeling of the sand on my hands. It reminds me that I’m human. That even though I feel trapped, trapped in an iceberg, internally, that on the outside I’m still warm. That the sun does shine down on me. That it is warming me.
So why can’t it melt the ice?
Why can’t I let go of these feelings? Why can’t I be normal?
I think it’s really the first time since coming home from the hospital that I’ve needed John. When I was walking the streets as Jeff, there were limitless possibilities of things I could do. There wasn’t a constant watching hawk on my shoulder.
I’d been thinking a lot, too, about the blocking of my memories. And magicians. I couldn’t tell from those dreams I’d had if it was a magician that had kidnapped me, or if it was a human. I didn’t even know if it was a memory.
It just felt so realistic.
Didn’t all dreams feel realistic? I wouldn’t know. I hadn’t really had a normal dream to be able to tell.
So, was my dream merely just a dream? Or a memory that I’d subconsciously let out?
So why was it, when I tried to memory, it felt like a wall preventing me from remembering? It was all confusing and I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t know what to do about my ‘magical powers’, I didn’t know the first thing about magicians. I didn’t know the first thing about where my friends were.
So, I figure, that maybe everything would be so much easier if I remembered it all. If I remembered about where I was being held, I’d be able to get to my friends back. If I had memories, I wouldn’t have to be learning everything again about school. If I’d had my memories, I’d know all about the magicians. I’d know what to expect. I’d know what to do. If only I’d had my memories.
I’d found a picture of them, in my room. We were smiling. Each of us standing close. Hayley in a pair of jeans and a tube top. Jesse in his long sleeved t-shirt and a dark pair of jeans. Glasses perched neatly on his nose. His eyes shining behind the glasses. We all looked so happy.
I don’t even remember being happy.
I’d had a thought earlier. When I’d first started thinking about getting my memories back. Getting my friends back. Maybe I could go back to the place we’d disappeared. I wasn’t sure if I’d mentioned it properly before. But the thought was really gripping on my now. I know if I went there alone. Maybe I’d be able to find something that would help me with discovering my friends.
I did have some hope left. I knew I had some hope left, but it was disappearing fast. The longer I took thinking and not acting, the faster the light of hope was dwindling. Leaving nothing in it’s place.
“Danny?” I recognized the voice immediately.
“What do you want, Jamie?” Luckily, I hadn’t had a joint in my hands; I’d buried them all under the sand. I knew it was wrong and someone would find them, but it was better than my family finding them.
“Mom’s really worried about you. She went to wake you up and you weren’t there.”
I didn’t answer her.
“She thought you’d been taken again.”
“Sorry.”
“What’d you leave like that for? Mom said you’d had some nightmare.”
“I couldn’t get back to sleep. I needed to be away from the house for a while.”
“You could have told us. We would have come with you.”
“I needed to be alone. I needed to think.”
“About what?” She asked, sitting down next to me.
“Everything.”
“You used to come here a lot before you were taken.” She looked distant. I also noticed that she didn’t use the word ‘kidnapped’, though having the same purpose, it’s obvious she’s still dealing with the fact that I’d been kidnapped and tortured. Apparently tortured anyway, though my dreams were starting to prove that theory right.
“I like it here. It’s peaceful.” I replied. “How did you know where to find me?” I was talking about the part of the beach I was sitting on. It was pretty secluded. Covered by rocks and hard to see past.
“This was you and your friends favourite spot.”
“Right.”
“Do you feel ashamed?” She asked hesitantly.
“Ashamed of what?”
“Do you feel like your hurting them? That to them, your just a constant reminder of who you used to be?”
“What are you my therapist? I already have one of those.”
“You avoided the question.”
“I don’t know how to answer it.”
“You don’t need to feel like your hurting them. Their still coming to terms with the fact that your back, but just not how they thought you’d come back.”
“Thanks, Jamie, that’s really calming to hear.” Can you sense the sarcasm. “How did they expect me to come back? All fine and dandy? I was missing for nearly a year, Jamie. They were naïve to think that there was nothing going on there in the time I’d been missing. My friends are still suffering and I’m just sitting here doing nothing. I have no idea how to save them. I mean, how am I supposed to save them, if I can’t save myself?”
“You’ve remembered something?” It was a quiet question. It was something she’d been thinking about all along, I’d just confirmed it.
“I’m not sure.”
“What do you remember?”
“It was a dream. Two dreams actually. I’m in this cell room. Hayley and Jesse’s there. I’m being beaten. There’s a man laughing. There’s a lot of pain. In this one, from last night. He’s using this strange thing on me. It’s like there’s a thousand electrical volts being sent through my body. He doesn’t do anything to Hayley and Jesse. Just me.”
“Oh, Danny. Do you remember much about the man doing it?”
“No. It’s always dark in the dreams. I can never see his face.”
“Does he say anything in the dream?”
“Yeah. He mentions something about a tome.”
At the mention of this, Jamie turns pale white. A sudden frozen shock settles though her body. This is bad, I think, very bad.
I hope you enjoyed it, and it left off in a good place to keep it all going. Though I'm still quite unsure of how everything is going to go down. I need Danny to get back to school for most of the stuff to happen. I also need to take Danny back to therapy, hypnosis, and take him back to the campsite. More memories need to start coming back too. I need to do a lot of explaining about the magicians too....
God, it's only know I've realized how complicated this story is getting...
Night!
Maybe sleep will provide me with some answers...
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