Can't really think of much to say...

I'm not having a great time at the moment. Obviously. But, not just that, I don't have much to say for myself.

I'm not doing much, half of the time I feel like the world is against me. I could cry sometimes to know how bad my life is getting.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I start thinking, yeah, maybe drugs could be the answer for this. But then, I back out because I'm too cowardly to do it, and the fact that I can't find anyone with anything. I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't usually do parties, I don't go out underage drinking on the Wind street.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm pinning it all down to stress, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm so worried over money you would not believe it. I don't know why it's getting to me so bad. I know I don't come from the richest family in the world, but I definitely don't need to worry this much.

I also don't want to come across as desperate. I find a job that I could do and I apply for it. Nothing ever comes of it. No one calls me back and the people that do get back to me its to tell me that I'm rejected. I've learnt that the world is a cruel place. I learnt that years ago when bad things were happening to me. Things that have been buried by the family to the point where I can't tell whether I dreamed it or everyone is just good at hiding what happened.

I try to seek out help. God, I do try to tell my friends. But I choke up, I'm supposed to be the happy one. The one that never cares about anything and doesn't care for anyone else. I can't go around saying something like that happened. I can't tell them the reason why I bail out of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I can't tell them why I stiffen up whenever someone gives me a hug. I can't tell them.

They'd never understand.

But I can't blame it on something that I have no proof besides vague memories as to what actually happened. And it's not exactly something you just pop randomly into a conversation.

It just comes down to the fact that know I'm old enough to understand what actually happened I don't know what to do about it. I can't look at people. I always feel dirty. I've considered killing myself on more than one occasion.

Many people have asked me over the last couple of months why I want to leave my hometown when I go to University. It's not to have a little independence. It's so that I know I'm not here, and no one is watching over me all the time. I can live a life of my own.

It's just the fear that it'll happen again. I know my parents never truly believed me when I told them. They never will understand because I never really did tell them everything.

I know this one all lays down to me. I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm just not sure if I can deal with all this guilt and pain anymore. I just want things to be over with. To end the suffering. To finally see some light in my life.

The only light I'm looking for at the moment is a job that pays. And good exam marks. I work so hard for both of them. I know I'm not smart. But I do try, a B, anything above a D is perfect for me at the moment. I don't expect As. I never have and I never will.

At the moment I'm not too caring about where I work. I could have a shitty manager and I wouldn't care because he's the one that's paying me. As long as there's pay I'm not too caring.

Anyway.

I think I should probably get going before I depress myself even more. It's just. I don't know what to do anymore.

Praying doesn't work. I've tried everything. There never is a solution. I guess something good has to eventually come out of all this bad stuff, right?