It's been over a week and a half now

Since I applied for some of my jobs. I know they can take a while, its just that I'm not exactly a wait around kind of person.

So I applied for another job today. Though, currently I'm not sure if it's gone through or not. I applied for it via the internet, so shouldn't I have technically speaking gotten an email from the company telling me they got the job application, or is it something only some companies do?

Ah, I don't know. I'll leave it for today and check tomorrow, it is getting really late.

It just really depresses me when I notice how broke I am, and how much I clearly need to get a job, so I'm applying anywhere I can, everywhere I can for as many hours as possible.

It's sad actually. I hate being to broke and vulnerable.

But on the plus side its finally Easter holiday.

It's not much of a holiday though, with the ever looming presence of the exams, I find that this is NOT going to be a holiday, rather its going to be revision, revision, revision.

I hate how this Easter and next Easter are going to be the same. I'm not sure about Uni, that is if I ever get into University. I'm not with the current report card I've brought home.

You see, I work really really hard on my school work. Harder than most kids and I don't want to explain to my parents that I'm not doing that good in school. I've got two D's and two C's, and to be honest with you that's not going to get me into any University that I want.

It just depresses me that I work so hard for something and it doesn't pay off. I work so hard, harder than most, and everyone else seems to be flying by me.

I just hate how everyone else can get A's in the subjects but I get Ds even though I've probably worked a lot harder on the work than they have. Does anybody understand where I'm coming from? I seriously feel like crying from all the stress I'm feeling. I hate, hate, hate how thick I am. I'm not the least bit intellectual in the world.

I don't want to tell my parents that I'm not doing any good because they'll have a go at me, and I'll have to tell them that I'm having trouble's focusing in class, that sometimes when I look at numbers they look different to me than to anybody else. That I hate how everyone else in the class understands Maths whereas I'm still struggling. I hate how everyone else in the class gan get A's whereas I'm still struggling to get a C.

It's just depressing.

I hate to talk about what depresses me because it makes me even more depressed. I'll have to do some creative writing to maybe lighten my mood. It usually does.

I just hate it. Hate how everyone else seems to have an advantage over me. It's always been the same though. People think I'm smarter than I actually am. I can't stand it.

I hate being so fucking depressed over it. I can't stand it.

It just shows to me that I'm definitely not going to be showing my report this year to my parents. I'll make up some lye about it. They can survive one year, anyway, at least they'll see the marks at the end of the year. That can be more of a report to them.

I'll have to think of one soon because Sara will be getting hers soon. Then the questions for mine will start coming. I might have to come clean and say I've had it for a while and I didn't want to give it to them because its so bad.

Anyway, I'm off, leaving you on this clearly depressing note.

I've applied for yet

Another job. This tallies up my current application level to 4. Do you think any of them will get back to me? Probably not. You know what, I hate how long it takes for companies to get back to you. It's such a depressingly long wait.

So today, just now basically, I applied for a job in the Carphone Warehouse. It would help if I was the least bit interested in mobile phones, but sadly, I'm just not, a job is a job, right?

Actually, I think working in the Carphone Warehouse could be very good in comparison to some jobs I've applied for as of late. But to be perfectly honest, the idea of being a waitress is still very appealing to me. I'd very much like to work in a restaurant, waiting tables. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Waiting tables just seems a bit more adventurous to me.

But as I said before, a jobs and job. Their looking, I'm looking. You can't really go wrong here. I lied through a lot of it. Well, not technically, I answered as honestly as I'm capable.

So, that's it really from me.

We're finally on Easter break tomorrow. I really can't wait to finish school. Good times. Good times.

Hey, you never know, maybe I'll have like 4 different companies offering me jobs at the same time.

Yeah yeah, don't get your hopes up, Bec. Don't get the hopes up.

Sorry it's a short blog today, I've been caught up in television.

Not much really to blog about

At the moment. It's coming to the end of school. I kinda got into this mind set where I had to have a job by Easter. You know, signed the contract and I'm on my training type of thing. Obviously that one didn't work out.

I just hate how long companies take to get back to you. It's sick. Or it could be the fact that I hate waiting. It's not that I'm an impatient person. I just can't stand waiting for companies to get back to you when you've devoted time to apply for their jobs. I mean, especially with that T.G.I. Friday's job I applied for, I spent about an hour on that one.

Applying for jobs just seems to be getting easier and easier for me. I'm so used to clicking the buttons, putting the same information in all the time.

Gah, I just want the company to get back to me. My life would be so much easier if they got back to me sooner. I wouldn't worry about keeping my phone charged, obsessively checking my emails. All that kind of crap. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

But I don't have time to be complaining at the moment. I need to be getting to bed. Coursework day tomorrow in school. It's one where you can't take it out of the school, you have to do it in an alloted time. Sucks really, but there's not much I can do about it.

So I shall be off. Hopefully things will be a little perkier tomorrow.

The Thing

That I'm going to talk about briefly now, is of course, as usual, jobs.

I've applied for quite a lot of jobs over the past week. A lot in my case tallies up to about 3. But still. It's a lot nonetheless. For me anyway.

So it started last Tuesday, on a fairly boring afternoon after school, where I'd just finished one homework and I was in transition of going onto a different one, and the thought came to me 'why don't I do a little job searching online?' Of course, those weren't my exact words, but oh well. So it started first with 'swansea jobs' or something along those lines in google search box. Where nothing came up. So I went to fast food restaurants. Promptly, after not being able to figure out the Burger King website, I went to McDonalds, then to KFC, to have the joy of finding out that they were hiring. I applied. Thirty seconds later. Rejection. So I try different places. A lot, if I can remember, to end up on a place called studentbeans.co.uk, which led me to Pizza Hut, where I applied for a job there. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. Then on my travels on Student beans, I discover that there are a lot of restaurants hiring at the moment. Well, they were according to them anyway. So I decided to go into town yesterday, with my sister, and went job hunting again.

Where upon arrival, I went to Franky & Benny's. They weren't hiring. T.G.I. Friday's, the lady said, check out website. I tried Chiquito, they accepted a CV. Pizza Express, nothing there.

So it was a pretty busy day that day.

Then today, I applied for a job in T.G.I Friday's. Waitressing. I applied for a job in Lloyds TSB, HSBC, but I've been rejected again from them.

So, it's all in due course. My horoscope for the week shows some promising signs for at least one of those three getting back to me pretty soon.

Good times, eh?

Hopefully all three of them will get back to me pretty soon. Since them, I've been checking my emails and my phone constantly.

The wait is so nerve racking. I can't believe it.

Still waiting for a job to come.
G'night!

That was a strange last sentence, wasn't it?
Just thought I'd mention that.

Posting from

By iPod for the first time in a while. It's a bit late to be turning on my computer so I apologize before hand if some of the sentences don't make any sense.

So I've come out of my depressive state more or less since yesterday. Though it is weighing down quick heavily on my mind still.

So I went job hunting today. Again, as a I should say. It didn't go much better from the last time I went job hunting. In all of the restaurants I went looking in only one of them took in an application. It's quite depressing actually. So, I'm really hoping that that place gets back to me quickly, and Pizza Hut for that matter. I'd like to see something from them too. I don't think many people realise how desperately I need a job. Do I come across as someone who doesn't need a job all that much?

Anyway, I think I'll stop my rant here. So then I know I've got something to do blog about tomorrow. Another reason is I can't stand typing on my ipod. It's so damn annoying.

100 BLOG POSTS!

So I've finally reached 100, and I can say happily that I'm really proud of myself for getting here.

So I thought today would be a pretty happy day considering that it's my 100th blog post, but obviously, as usual I was wrong.

We sat a full English Language exam this week in lessons, and I knew from the instant I looked at it I was not going to do any good in it. And I didn't.

• I looked at my report card. Fail.
• Pizza Hut isn't replying to me. 
• I'm in desperate need for a job.
• I'm not allowed out to town tomorrow.
• Everyone just seems to be that much smarter than me.

And to put the cherry on the cake. My mum and Dad promised to take Sara and me to Ikea tomorrow, they decided to go today, they even asked if I wanted to mitch school to go with them, even after I told them that I couldn't because of an English exam I was doing.

It just really shows to you how much attention you get in your family, does it not?

That really aggravated me today. This week has not been an easy week for me. I don't know why, but hopefully, I've gotten all the bad days I'm going to get out of me for a while now so that maybe soon everything will start looking up. Maybe I'll do well in my exams. Hopefully. Currently, I'm ruling out the idea of EVER GOING TO UNIVERSITY, because that's how bad I'm doing in school at the moment. I hate the fact that I work so hard for something and it never goes right for me.

I hate that nothing ever goes right for me, I can't get a job, I can't get good marks in school. I can't get anything. I'm constantly stressed with school, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm always jealous of everyone else's ability to be a fast learner whereas I'm such a slow learner.

I hate it.

I seriously can't stand my life at the moment, it's just proving to be more and more pointless as the days go on. I'm not getting good grades in school, which means I'm not going to go to university, which means I'm never going to write a book because I'll be stuck in some dead end job struggling to afford anything.

I'll never be loved. I'll never have kids. I'll never have anything.

I hate how life just throws these harsh realities at me.

I hate how everything is just a harsh reality. I just want one thing, well two things in my life to go well, a good job and a good education, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make anything work.

I'm just a failure.

I just need to accept the fact that I'm never going to amount to anything in my life. I'll become a tramp on the street begging for money. I'll have little 14 year olds laughing at me because I haven't showered for days on end. I'll never be an author like I want to be.

I'll never be anything.

This was supposed to be a happy blog, wasn't it? Considering it's my 100th and all, I'm just really depressed, tired, stressed etc etc. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I'm literally losing the will to go on. I'm losing the motivation to even try anything anymore. I just wish sometimes my life was like something out of fiction, where there is always a happy ending. There's never going to be a happy ending for me.

So that concludes our oh so happy 100th blog. See ya soon. I'm sure things will turn around eventually.

1 blog post until 100

To be honest with you. I'm quite upset.

I hate how some people just have the natural talent of being smart and don't have to do anything and all the answers just come to them. I'm like the complete opposite of this, I work my ass off most days for hours and I still don't get anything higher than a C grade in classes. I've got loads of D's this year, and I don't think I've worked any harder on work in my entire life. It just really upsets me when people like my sister, who hardly does any work in school, comes home with report cards for A*'s and such.

I think it upsets me more often than not because I'm really jealous. I'm a really slow learner and things just don't stick. I'm distracted in lesson all the time, I can't focus on anything for a long period of time. The only thing I have close to me is my writing.

That's probably one of the reasons why I get really angry when someone else in my family confesses to be writing fiction as well. I sorta claim writing to be something that I want to do and no one else can do it. I do it because I'm afraid that that person will do a better job than me even though I've worked on it for so much longer than them.

For example. I've been reading and writing for as long as I remember, when people ask me what was my favourite TV show as a kid, I have nothing to say to them because I was reading some book, or writing something, and it really makes me feel out of it. But writing has always been something I loved, so when your older brother starts to take an interest into reading/writing at 17 years old, with no clue about the type on industry he wants to get into, or the dedication that goes along with it, it just really pisses me off. He's always challenging me about all these books he wants to read. Honestly, he's only read like 3 books in his entire life and claims to be like some literary genius, I mean, I know I haven't read every book in my life, and I know my writing isn't the best in the world, but its the only thing that I can call 'mine', you know?

But I guess, no one wants to hear of my insecurities, right? I mean, he fact that everyone seems to be smarter than me has nothing to do with the way my life is constructed, and my emotions as a person. Is it normal to be heavily distracted inside and outside of lessons? And be a slow person all together? I mean, it's become more apparent lately, but I've always been distracted and I can't focus on one thing for too long. My dad, he has tourette's syndrome could that be a reason why I'm slow, random, distracted and so on? It just makes me so confused that I don't know what to do about it any more.

Like when I write my blogs at night these days I'll get distracted and go somewhere else and remember I have to be writing here, then like five minutes later my mind will be somewhere else, its common for me, as I've grown up with it, but as I become more aware of how people around me act, I kinda get the feeling that I act completely different from the people around me.

Anyway, enough ranting from me, one last thing though, PIZZA HUT STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN BACK TO ME! Admittedly this is only like the 2nd day, but I can't help my get my hopes up that I'll even be considered for the job!