So I have an exam tomorrow...

I've been revising non stop practically for this exam. I reread most of the poetry, tried to understand some of the ones that I didn't. I reread the play. Made sure I didn't forget any minor details. Leant what Chaos Theory actually meant...

But even after all of that, I still feel like I haven't learnt anything new. That I don't remember much more than I did at the beginning of the four or so day hardcore revision session.

I guess life is just one of those cruel pranks that they like to pull...

Anyway, moving on, so luckily the exam is in the afternoon so I have all morning to revise for it. You know last minute cram session in school, on my own, in an abandoned classroom.

Wow, when you put it like that it does sound very depressing. The main point of doing this is because then I know I can work without being distracted. I'm just funny working that way...

I have noticed that this blog is oddly spacey... you know, like I have loads of '...' in it, and most of the paragraphs (as I'm typing it, it'll come out different in the final blog post) is never longer than two-three lines. How strange is that?

Anyway, (I also have a bad habit of saying that, I need to get a thesaurus....) I found this really good fanfiction. It's called Lost and it's on the Danny Phantom archive. So so far, the plot is like, Danny's been missing, but he has no memory of what his life was like or what happened to him before waking up in this old cabin alone. And he's trying to remember everything that's happened because his best friends, Sam and Tucker are still missing. He wants to find them real bad, even though he can't remember them. He also seems to be scared about what his memories hide, meaning he wants to know what happened and where they are, but is perhaps a bit scared...

He also seems to have a bad mood problem. But according to the story so far they've put that down to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think it's probably because he's frustrated because no one is telling him anything. He feels left out, and he doesn't know what to think about anything because he can't remember anything.

It's actually a lot better than what I make it sound to be.

Anyway, (there's that word again) I guess I should be going now, it's getting late and I do have an exam tomorrow. Go me.

At least I have a week to revise for the new exam then, then I've completely finished them for the year. Yay! Go me!

Night!

Still haven't gotten around to say good night, I'm still debating on whether it's worth the extra word in the count.....

Exams.

Lately, these things seem to take over my mind. Believe it or not, more so than finding a job. I just can't seem to get through this lot unstressed. If that makes any sense.

You see, last year I was told (during my exams of course) that the exams I was sitting at the time were the ones that were going to determine the job I was going to get. But recently it seems like the complete opposite and the exams I sat last year are nowhere near as important as the exams I'm sitting now.

This only seems to add to the stress, you know? The pressure knowing you have to do them right or your not going to get very far in life.

Then there's also the added family pressure because my brother doesn't seem to do good in these exams. Well, he used to. Then his AS's didn't turn out as well as he hoped because he didn't revise for them. The same happened in January, and he's on his last chance now...

But anyway, moving back to the point. The family pressure is suffocating me. They tell me that the harder I work the better marks I'm going to get, I know that, but then it's all, you'll end up like Sam if you don't revise and we won't be as forgiving as we were for Sam.

It just makes me so stressed out. Luckily I don't have many exams left and then there's really not much left to do in school. But it all sucks really doesn't it?

I haven't got a clue on what I'm going to do anymore.

So, for now I'm going to read some fanfiction on my iPod and then go to sleep.

So, really there's only one thing to say....

Night!

I have to wonder why I never say Good Night. It's faster to type 'Night'... these days it seems to have the same meaning whichever way you type it. Oh well, maybe I should try saying it, someday.

Maybe someday I'll get a job, right?

I'm sorry...

My blog post yesterday was very depressing. I was really tired. There was no call for me to say things like that... I just have random moments like that where I feel insanely depressed. Things like that just happen to me.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking since then, which made me realize that what I said was out of line. Though I will defend it and say that a blog is where I put my true feelings. I know it's a public blog. I don't deny that. I just blog because I love blogging. It's a chance for me to express what I'm feeling. What I've done that day. Say what I feel is awesome, and what's not so awesome. I can't really apologize for what I was feeling. It's just something I'm going to have to learn how to deal with and writing about it is a way for me to learn how to deal with it.

I guess yesterday was just a tense day. My parents went up to see my uncle. Remember? The one that's dying? Yeah, well, I'm still not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. Or consciously I don' know how I feel, but really there's a lot more going on in my head that I know and what I was saying yesterday is just something to show that.

I know I should probably get help, right? But it's not that bad. I can deal with it. I have for so long now there's no real point in saying anything.

Anyway. To look on the bright side of things. I've been invited to a wedding... in Greece... in 2015. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't know the couple personally all that well. But Sara, my sister does and they want me to come too, apparently. Sara is obviously really excited. I'm excited too, but I don't want to you know. Be a bit of a burden. We don't know each other very well and I don't want to spoil their special day by being there.

But they're insistent  according to Sara. I can always view it as a nice holiday, right?

Not much more to say really.

So I'll see you some other time. Mainly tomorrow...

Night!

Can't really think of much to say...

I'm not having a great time at the moment. Obviously. But, not just that, I don't have much to say for myself.

I'm not doing much, half of the time I feel like the world is against me. I could cry sometimes to know how bad my life is getting.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I start thinking, yeah, maybe drugs could be the answer for this. But then, I back out because I'm too cowardly to do it, and the fact that I can't find anyone with anything. I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't usually do parties, I don't go out underage drinking on the Wind street.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm pinning it all down to stress, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm so worried over money you would not believe it. I don't know why it's getting to me so bad. I know I don't come from the richest family in the world, but I definitely don't need to worry this much.

I also don't want to come across as desperate. I find a job that I could do and I apply for it. Nothing ever comes of it. No one calls me back and the people that do get back to me its to tell me that I'm rejected. I've learnt that the world is a cruel place. I learnt that years ago when bad things were happening to me. Things that have been buried by the family to the point where I can't tell whether I dreamed it or everyone is just good at hiding what happened.

I try to seek out help. God, I do try to tell my friends. But I choke up, I'm supposed to be the happy one. The one that never cares about anything and doesn't care for anyone else. I can't go around saying something like that happened. I can't tell them the reason why I bail out of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I can't tell them why I stiffen up whenever someone gives me a hug. I can't tell them.

They'd never understand.

But I can't blame it on something that I have no proof besides vague memories as to what actually happened. And it's not exactly something you just pop randomly into a conversation.

It just comes down to the fact that know I'm old enough to understand what actually happened I don't know what to do about it. I can't look at people. I always feel dirty. I've considered killing myself on more than one occasion.

Many people have asked me over the last couple of months why I want to leave my hometown when I go to University. It's not to have a little independence. It's so that I know I'm not here, and no one is watching over me all the time. I can live a life of my own.

It's just the fear that it'll happen again. I know my parents never truly believed me when I told them. They never will understand because I never really did tell them everything.

I know this one all lays down to me. I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm just not sure if I can deal with all this guilt and pain anymore. I just want things to be over with. To end the suffering. To finally see some light in my life.

The only light I'm looking for at the moment is a job that pays. And good exam marks. I work so hard for both of them. I know I'm not smart. But I do try, a B, anything above a D is perfect for me at the moment. I don't expect As. I never have and I never will.

At the moment I'm not too caring about where I work. I could have a shitty manager and I wouldn't care because he's the one that's paying me. As long as there's pay I'm not too caring.

Anyway.

I think I should probably get going before I depress myself even more. It's just. I don't know what to do anymore.

Praying doesn't work. I've tried everything. There never is a solution. I guess something good has to eventually come out of all this bad stuff, right?

I get really frustrated

When my mum accuses me of not revising when she knows I put loads of time into it.

Of course, you guys can tell that too, right?

I, personally, spend hours and hours of revising for my exams. I do as well as I can to prepare for them. Sure, my preparation isn't exactly the best, but I'm trying.

I can't help it if I feel like I could do with a couple of days off. You know? I only have one exam next week which is English Literature, and that's an exam I can take my book in for, so I don't really need to remember all that many quotes.

But no, for her, my rereading of the texts isn't good enough for her. I'm not revising enough. I spent all afternoon revising for this exam.

I just get really frustrated when my mum accuses me of not doing something that I know I have been doing it.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Maybe it's just because I'm so stressed out because of these exams, I can finally see the end to them all, I know I don't have long to go now. Two exams left.

I'm frustrated at them. I'm frustrated at school because they don't give us enough study leave. I'm frustrated at my friends because they don't listen to me. I'm frustrated because I can't get a job.

So life isn't exactly going as planned. It never does so hopefully things'll put up soon. Maybe when the exams are over I can focus on finding a job, getting on the payroll and maybe have a better life. Indulge once in a while.

Anyway, I have to be up early in the morning. My mum and dad are leaving the kids with us whilst they go up to London to visit my Uncle.

So...

Night!

Robin Hood

I know I said it and for once I'm actually doing what I said I would do...

So today I went to see Robin Hood for the first time. I know it's been out a while now but I haven't had the time to go and see it because of exams.

So, this isn't going to be a long review because I need to be going to bed, my mum is on the 'you know school is starting back up again' thing.

So, I'll just keep it as brief as possible.

I really enjoyed the film. After how crappy Clash of the Titans was I was expecting this to be similar. (More of less to do with the hype that it was given, similar to Clash of the Titans, and that looked like a similar movie, so I thought it would meet the same fate...)

I was surprised. I didn't go in there with high expectations because I didn't want to be disappointed. But I wasn't.

As far as I'm aware, the story was as similar as it was going to be, there's definitely room for a sequel. I would definitely like to see a sequel, you know, to go further into how Robin Hood became a legend to all of us Brits.

Anyway, before I get dragged off, I thought that the acting was okay. Not brilliant. I guess it probably had something to do with character development, there wasn't really much of that going on.

But still, an hour or so after leaving the cinema and the whole feeling had just sunk in, I felt like I needed to go and see the film again. Obviously, I think on this account I'll just wait and buy the DVD like most people do.

I can't wait for that now.

Anyway, I'm signing off for the night. I'll leave you with this message:

Great fun, great film, hopefully there's a sequel planned because I would really like to see how he became the 'king of thieves' or the man who stole from the rich to help the poor. Well, I know how it happens. I would just like to see if in the film...

Before I say good night, I have noticed that this blog has kind of been scattered. I apologize for that. I can't help being scatter brained. It'll all be okay in the morning :D

Night!

So it's going to sound quite stupid

But the reason the blogs have been quite choppish the last couple of days is because I didn't want to mention a certain movie and have like all these nightmares and stuff.

I know.

It's stupid.

I realize that. So the film itself was Paranormal Activity. It's as scary as it's advertised. But I've gotten over it now. Hopefully.

So, over the course of the last few days I feel like I've read a decent amount of books. I read all four of the Sixth Sense books, I read Monsters of Men (which might I add is such an amazing book, the series itself needs more recognition for the amazing series that it actually is. I was skeptical at first about buying the first book, I'd never heard of the series before and at the time I liked to do some internet shopping on the book first. But I am so glad I picked up the series. It was amazing. Maybe I should do a Chaos Walking tribute blog? That sounds like a good idea. I'll do it on Thursday as tomorrow I'll probably be talking about Robin Hood, which I am going to see for my birthday which was admittedly a long time ago now...) and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Now that is book that leaves you thinking at the end. I loved the book. It's on the top list along with Catcher in the Rye for me. I can't wait to see the movie version (Of Perks of Being a Wallflower... getting a Catcher in the Rye as a film is like asking is Santa real...) when it comes out. Which is hopefully soon.

I'm also now reading Skulduggery Pleasant. I'm not quite sure what to make of it just yet, it's okay I guess, but I'm only like a quarter of a way through it, I'll probably read the series to see how it turns out. I'm like that...

Which probably leads me to explain my choice in literature.

As a bookworm, obviously I love to read all kinds of books. I tend to stray from Romance, myself, but I can stand it if it's like a subplot and isn't too significant. Like usual fantasy stories. I can deal with them...

So I'd like to think that I'm quite open minded when it comes to books. Like some people believe, well wherever I come from, that if you still read Teen Fiction you can't exactly call yourself a bookworm. I totally disagree with this comment. A bookworm by definition is someone who loves to read. It doesn't matter what genre it comes from, and where it's stereotypically put.

Getting back to the point. I generally love to read Science Fiction/ Fantasy, but I have this strange love to books with teenage adolescence and drug abuse, that kind of thing.

But I will read other stuff too...

I'm actually going to be sad enough to admit it but it's sorta my dream to start at one end of the Waterstones fiction area and read all the way around the shop. Fiction, Crime, Romance, Poetry, Plays, Classics, Fiction 9-12, Teen Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, Graphic Novel.

But to do this, obviously I need to get money and to get money I need to get a job. Something which I'm still working on. I don't have one of those yet.

Anyway,

I have kinda lost track of time, so much so I can't go downstairs... I kinda have this thing where I can't go downstairs after a certain time because I think I'll wake everyone up. It's ridiculous really, but it's a state of mentality I guess, so now I have no band to tie my hair with. I always tie my hair back to go to bed. But I guess tonight's going to have to be an exception.

I just tried to go downstairs, but I kinda convinced myself not to do it... Yeah, I'm a wimp. I honestly didn't realize how late it had gotten...

Night!