Going to Cardiff tomorrow

So I probably won't be blogging tomorrow. I probably won't be sober enough to blog tomorrow.

So, I'm going to hopefully, talk about some things that have been going on in my life at the moment. Don't you feel like sometimes, people judge you based on an image you've built in school and bad mouth you behind your back without any prior knowledge of whom you are?

Yeah, you've probably had this kind of thing. Everyone has had this kind of thing. It wouldn't usually get to me. It has this time. It's probably because I've been a little stressed out...

Anyway,

There's this girl in my year called Carys. A basic run down of her would be peroxide blonde hair, loads of make up. Thinks she's everything. A huge ego, and not very smart.

You're normal every day slut, right?

Basically.

But, I've never really had that much of a problem with her. She's never bothered me and I've never bothered her, we generally tend to just live two different lives.

Or, so I thought. Apparently she's been slagging me off behind my back. I'm not too sure about the details, but a friend of mine was in the Computer room when she was in there talking about me and another friend. Apparently something about us always getting first choices and never standing up for ourselves.

I'm not really too sure, this is coming from someone else's mouth, so the information could be a little twisted.

So, initially, my thoughts were just brush it off. It's just Carys running her mouth again.

But the more I thought about it, the more I took offense to it. Offense isn't exactly the right word, but it's like, I'm a little pissed off at it.

First of all, she has no idea what my 'first choice' was. I'm guessing she was talking about what clubs we get forced to be on. We had to choose our preferences. It's all stupid. I couldn't really care less about what club I was in... But yeah, anyway, apparently, she's taken it to heart that we've gotten to our first choices and she feels a little left out.... You get the idea of immaturity already.

So, that one I'm not really all that pissy about. She could have done her research and found out, in fact, I didn't get my first choice. And she wouldn't have anything to complain about.

The second part was what got to me. The part about not being able to stand up for myself. There are specific reasons why I'm not all that confident. Of course, I haven't always been a really self-conscious person. There are specific reasons why I'm the way I am. She wouldn't understand any of them, life's been handed on a plate to her. My life has been a constant struggle. There was that thing before hand. When I was younger. I don't like talking about it, it's like admitting it on here will confirm that it actually happened.

That thing kinda ended my confidence.

I guess she doesn't know what it's like to endure that for two years, then have your parents cover it up, I was so damn traumatized that I blocked it from my mind, and when it all comes back, everyone refuses to acknowledge that it happened. It's gotten to the point where I'm doubting my own memory, I'm not sure if it was real or if it was a dream.

But everything felt so real.

I guess she doesn't know what it's like to feel like that. Then, there's the whole stress thing where I just can't be bothered anymore. I'd rather just go with the flow than stand up for myself. What's the point? It's not like it's going to change anything.

It was at that moment, that I felt like going up to her and screaming.

I didn't.

Again, it was like, if I ever admitted it out loud. It confirms that it actually happened. I'm not ready for that yet. And I wouldn't want to admit such a thing in such circumstances. I'd like for it to be kept a secret for ever. I'll just go on with my life as I do now pretending that nothing ever happened.

I just want to live a normal life.

But yeah, hope I haven't bored anyone too much.

I don't know why it affected me like that. Stuff like that doesn't usually affect me like that.

I guess everyone has their limits, right?

So, I'll be seeing you Sunday night now probably.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.  Not so sure about mine, personally.

I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

Night.