Life just seemed to have something against me

You see, I found out today, that my friend, who went to the same job interview as me on Thursday has already been offered a job.

That was her first ever job interview and she got the job interview because she knew the guy who was going to be the manager there.

I don't know about you right. But I just find the world to be a very unfair place. It seems like everything is against me at the moment. Other people can get a job without trying and I can never seem to get one. After days and days of searching, application after application, interview after interview. I never seem to get anywhere with it.

It's just a sad thing, really.

Maybe I should just stop trying, and then maybe I'll get a job then. Because it looks like my brother, who didn't even look for this job, my mother got the application forms and didn't even think of the job itself, seems to have the job too.

Someone up there must be cruelly laughing at me, and how much pain he seems to be causing me. I keep trying to look at the upside to it all. That something good will eventually come of all the struggle's. That one day something good will just happen to me.

And when I feel like it's in my grasp, that I could definitely get somewhere after everything I've been through. It gets ripped from my grasp and there's someone out there laughing at my tears as everything around me crumbles and I'm forced to pick the pieces up. Forced to cover what I'm truly feeling from my friends and laugh it all off and pretend that I don't care that they rejected me, when it all honesty I do feel hurt that they rejected me.

Then it all leads to the question that haven't I suffered enough? That when I was raped repeatedly, and everything is now being taken from me, that I still haven't suffered enough in someone else's eyes?

I don't even know why I bother anymore. Why I bother trying to be hopeful, why I bother to look happy for the people around me when I know I'm not.

I don't even know why I bother with life anymore. It's crossed my mind more than once, if nothing seems to be going my way, that I never seem tog et one shred of good luck, why don't I just end it? Stop the hurt, the worry, and just forget about the cruelty of life.

But I don't. Mainly because I know I'm too much of a coward to take my own life. That I hold on to material things too much. The small things I get in life are the things that I hold onto. They are the only things keeping me on this planet.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want all the pain to go away, and the heavy feeling in my heart to disappear.

The only way to look up from here is, at least things can't get any worse. That there's no further than rock bottom.

I just don't understand life.

Earlier on today, I couldn't think of a reason why I hadn't just given up on life and taken it away from myself. I couldn't think of one reason to hold on to life.

I have to go now.

Night!

So...

I don't really know what to blog about tonight.

There's not much really to say.

I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my story. When I first started writing I thought it'd only be a stand alone novel. A one time thing, but now that I'm writing it more and more, the story gets more and more complicated, meaning that I probably won't be able to explain and complete everything in one book.

So, at the moment, I'm considering the idea of making a sequel. I have some ideas on what I'd put in the sequels, it's currently a forming trilogy in my mind and it's forming quite well, I just need to sort some things out in my head before I take on the idea more seriously.

So, I'm currently liking the idea of placing a war into the books.

But first off, I need to think of a reason why they'd be at war. I've got a pretty decent idea of reasons why, I just need to make them a little more solid.

It'll all be good in the end. I hope.

So, there's only one more thing to say...

Night!

I think

Weak, by Loosedefense is probably one of the only faniction's in existence that I'll actually go a'wwh! for. 

I love the fanfiction is every way. It's made a fan of the DannyxDash pairing, and probably one of my favourite pairings of the show now.

That's all I really wanted to say. I could read this fanfiction over and over again and still have the same reaction.

It's just purely amazing.

I've also decided to go on a writing break of sorts until after my sister's party because I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet. My sister's party is on Sunday and I just need to think some things over. I'm sure I'll keep it going until then.

Though, obviously if the urge comes to write something to it before then, I will.

I also have a lot of things to do at the moment.

So, see you tomorrow night..

Night!

Kingdom Hearts

So I got my replacement KH 2 today.

It's just as amazing, not that I expected the quality of the game to drop in the time that I last played it, but, all was well.

This also means, again, there isn't a chapter of DYRM.

Well, there's three things to this.

First, I can't stay up late tonight because I have to be up early in the morning for a job interview.

Two, I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I'm already way past tired, mainly because I helped my uncle clean out his house today.

Third, I kinda got distracted on Kingdom Hearts. Hopefully it won't happen again, so all's good.

I hope.

So that leaves me with like one thing to say. The one thing I always mention:

Night!

I must be

Having a bad writing patch, because I seem to be hitting a lot of writers blocks at the moment.

I've only written a page for the new chapter.

It's not all that bad, at least I've written something. Maybe I should write some fanfiction for the moment. It might give me some ideas for the moment. Maybe it's just a sign that I need a break or something.

It also doesn't help that I have so much on my mind at the moment. I remember when I first had the idea, it was the only thing I could think about, but lately, because of job interviews, parties, it's been pushed to the back of my mind.

Maybe I just need a day of complete relaxation where I can think of nothing else.

I should be okay then.

So I'm going to clean for my Uncle tomorrow, he's paying me £20 to do it and I'm glad, it can go straight to my London fund.

So, I really don't have much to say anymore.

Basically, that means I have only one thing left to say...

Night!

The Interview

I think this has to be about the third time I've used this title now. It seems to be getting harder and harder to get jobs in retail I see.

But moving swiftly forward. So, the interview was a bit of a strange one. It basically went like this, the interviewer, who was a nice lady, would follow me around the shop as I offered people a basket, leaflets for their card, and packing people's bags. I had to find the cheapest paracetamol in the shop and do all the kind of stuff.

I think it went okay. But their interviewing a lot of people, which means I've probably not got the job, but it's okay. Apparently, you deserve a pat on the back for even getting an interview without any experience.

I am still hopeful though, I think I did okay, and I would very much like to have some good news for once in my life.

A funny thing happened today though, like literally the second I walked out of the interview I got a phone call for another interview with a difference company!

It's a company called Home Bargain. They have a new shop opening up in Swansea. The nerves haven't sunk in just yet.

I'll wait and see how everything goes.

Anyway, here's the next chapter.

To be honest with you, I'm not all that keen on how it's turned out. But hopefully every thing will turn out okay in the end...

Chapter 22

“Well, if it isn’t the freak. Welcome back.”

            I had been prepared for many different reactions I would get from coming back to the school.

            This was one I didn’t expect.

            I ignored him and sat in the nearest empty seat, feelings everyone’s eyes trained on me. Looking for any differences between me and them. Obviously they hadn’t grasped the whole ‘memory loss only affects the mind not the person’ thing, maybe they thought I’d have some huge whole in my head or something.

            The second I sat down nervous whisper broke out, it rippled through the class like a tidal wave.

            Take one wild guess at the topic of these fierce whispers?

            Did you guess it yet?

            It shouldn’t be that hard to guess actually.

            Me.

            “He looks a lot paler than what I expected. There are a lot less scars too, I thought his face would have like a long gagged mark down it.” I heard one boy whisper behind me. I pleasantly ignored his comment.

            “Nah, dude, that’s way too comic, maybe you should ask him to lift his top. Apparently, there are loads of scars there, from what I’ve heard of course.” His friend replied. I did have scars under my top, my arms, whatever. I didn’t feel the need though to share my ‘traumatic moments’ with a class full of gossip hungry peers. I couldn’t say ‘kids’ they were same age, younger or older than me. Though, it did feel like they were kids occasionally. Did they seriously not think I could here them.

            “Ask him about Hayley and Jesse.”

            “You ask him.”

            Please don’t ask me, I felt like saying. I guess the ignoring thing wasn’t working, was it?

            “I don’t think anyone should ask him. I mean, would you like talking about a time where you were kidnapped and tortured. Anyway, the poor guy probably doesn’t even remember any of it.” A new voice joined in. I wish I knew their names. At least then they’d be more than ‘voices’ to me. I also wish I were more than just somebody to pity in their eyes.

            “Hey, freak!” Great, that big guy was calling me again. The one who spoke to me this morning, “why don’t you show us your scars?”

            “No.” I replied firmly. I tried to sound confident, but my first day back was not going all that well, it kinda deteriorates your confidence.

            “Why not? At least you don’t remember how you got them.” I couldn’t decide whether he was mocking me or not.

            “Just so you know, post-traumatic amnesia usually means you get your memory back in around a month. How do you know those months in that hellhole haven’t come back to me?” I felt like shouting it at him, but I held myself back, I didn’t want to set a bad example in front of everyone when I was meeting them for the first time… again.

            I would be talking quite literally when people were shocked into silence, because that’s what happened. It halted all conversation in the classroom. First impressions are overrated. I’d just messed up my chance.

            “The old Danny wouldn’t have said anything.” The boy said.

            “Yeah, well, I’m not the old Danny anymore.” I replied back. More silence followed that.

            At least I learnt something about this all. I learnt that apparently, I sat back and took abuse from people.

            Goody for me?

I was now sitting in my third period class. Bored. I’d realised something as the day was crawling forward. I had no other friends beside Hayley and Jesse, well, if I had other friends before hand, none of them would come anywhere near me.

            I probably scared them all off after that ‘outburst’ in homeroom.

            Why did I care about what my student peers thought of me in the first place? My one and only focus should be on finding Hayley and Jesse.

            Jamie said she’d take me to the place we disappeared on weekend. I knew from the moment she said it that time was going to go slowly.

            “Danny, what is the difference between an animal cell and a human cell?”

            “Um…” I didn’t know the answer. I mean, I probably did, but I hated being asked questions. I’d learnt that in my whole 2 and a half lessons here, teachers liked to question you as soon as it looked like you weren’t focusing.

            “I’ll let you off this time, Danny, just because it’s your first day back.” She didn’t want to say ‘because it’s your first day back after recovering from a kidnapping, torture and memory loss’, “So, the differences are…” Yep, and I wasn’t focusing again.

            I’d noticed I was having some difficulties concentrating. I couldn’t focus on what the teachers were saying after they’d spoken for periods of time. It’s probably because they’re just so boring.

Lesson 4, not too much difference here. Chemistry lessons weren’t my forte, especially when we were doing group experiments. I was stuck with this girl called Holly, she was dark skinned and had dark hair and breath taking green eyes; she wore a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a flowery pattern on it.

She told me that we had been friends, not close, but friends before I was taken. She said I could sit with her for lunch if I wanted.

            I replied sure, even though I didn’t understand the importance of needing to sit with someone for dinner.

            One of the good things about her was that she didn’t ask. She didn’t ask about my memories, she didn’t ask about anything. She didn’t want to see anything.

            For that, I was eternally grateful to her.

Lunch is manic. Everyone is trying to get everywhere. Holly was with me the whole time, so I at least knew what I was doing. She took me to a table, a luckily empty table.

            “Don’t you have any other friends?” I asked her curiously.

            “You guys were my only friends. I’ve been alone this whole time,” I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked. She seemed like a really nice girl, so why didn’t anyone want to speak with her?

            “Why?”

            “I used to have loads of friends. Something happened. You guys were the only ones willing to be my friends. I’m sure you’ll remember it soon enough.” She was hesitant about saying, so I didn’t go further into the topic.

            “Do you think I’ll be able to find Hayley and Jesse?” I asked her, I didn’t know if she knew about me being a magician so I kept it quiet.

            “I know you’ll find them. You used to be so determined. I can see that it’s passed on to you.”

            “I’m going to the place we disappeared over the weekend. I wanted to see if any memories would come back.”

            “I wouldn’t force all your memories to come back at once. It’ll be disorientating.” She commented. I seemed to get the vibe from her that she had this ‘I don’t care’ kind of attitude, and any comment she did make, was airy, and thought through before speaking, even if she did reply straight away.

            “I’m not trying to force them all back. Just the ones about where they are.”

            “Good luck. I’m not sure if you’ll find anything though. The police, FBI, whatever, they hunted the campsite, there are like no signs there as to where you could have gone.”

            “I’ll find something. Or I’ll remember something. Hopefully. Do you want to come?” I didn’t know why I was asking it, it just sorta came out.

            “I can’t. I have things that I have to do.”

            “It’s okay. I’ll let you know if we find out anything.”

            “Thanks.”

            Our conversation died there, but it was a content silence. We just sat there, eating. It felt good to talk about something to someone other than the people I saw everyday. Or in therapy.

            “Hey, freak. Didn’t really finish where we left off did we?” That boy (who was probably older than me) said, walking towards us, his walk full of pride.

            “I didn’t know we had anything to finish off.” I replied to him.

            “You’ve gotten into a fight with Simon, this quickly?” Holly asked, astounded.

            “So that’s his name?” I asked back. It was nice to know that he was something other than the ‘boy’.

            “Hey, I’m talking here!” Simon shouted.

            “I’m sorry, were you?” I taunted.

            “Don’t talk like that to me.” He ordered.

            “Or what?”

            “Or this.” Grabbing me by my front shirt he pulled me from the bench I was sitting on, and pulled my shirt up, inspecting my scars. I was pretty damn positive that my face was probably beat-red, everyone had stopped to look. “Pretty intense looking marks here, Smith. I’m impressed.”

            “Impressed by what? The marks that show I’ve been well and truly tortured?” I asked quietly, not looking to him.

            He dropped me to the floor and laughed.

            He laughed, what kind of person was he? I had to resist the urge to punch him a good one.

            “You deserved to be tortured. You were a scar against life.”

            “Hey, don’t say anything like that about him!” Holly shouted. “If it’s anyone who’s a scar against life it’s you!”

            “Don’t you dare talk to me, slut. I don’t want to hear anything coming from your mouth.”

            “Shut the hell up!” I shouted, swinging my legs around and tripping up Simon. He shouted as he came crashing to the floor.

            Then the collective gasp of the students came. Another tidal wave of gasps, and then whispers.

            “I’m going to beat you so hard, freak, that your not going to even know what day of the week it is.” Simon threatened, standing back up.

            It was then I noticed how much taller than me he was.

            It was then I also noticed how doomed I was. I was going to die a painful death, and I wasn’t going to save Jesse or Hayley, I’d never get my memories back. I’d never learn of why I truly was.

            That sucked.

Hope you all enjoyed...

Night!

I'm so nervous

I don't know why, I'm not usually this nervous to go to an interview. Usually, I'm all like cool and confident for these types of things. Of course, I do get really nervous in the hour before the interview, but never the DAY before.

I've done nothing but worry about this interview. I've read up on what the interview is going to be like, as it  is different from any other job interview I've had. Well, I've never had interviews that are all the same.

In PC World, they just sat me down and asked me some questions. In Sainsbury's I had to do some test and answer some questions. Apparently, this is an in-store assessment, meaning I'm going to be demonstrating my skill on the shop floor.

I don't know why I'm worrying so much over this. I went to work experience with WH Smith and everything was fine then, and I got a hang of it all quite quickly. I'm definitely going in to the shop early, before my interview so I know where everything is.

They ask you to find some things, and I can't find things, if I don't know where they are.

So, that's the plan of action.

I've been really unfocused because of this meaning one thing....

No chapter.

I'm getting really bad at updating, but I'll be able to think properly tomorrow, after the interview.

So, it's all good.

I'm supposed to finish at about 2, so it's all good.

Hopefully everything will be good.

Night!