Happy Easter!

I have to be honest, Easter is usually one my favourite holidays. But a lot has happened since last Easter. Last Easter I wasn't a recovering anorexic. It's taken me a while to fully comprehend that I was anorexic. And now that I know it, I see loads of the symptoms in some of my usual thoughts. Like, habitually I count my calories, I dent eat some foods because of how high in calories they are.

That was a serious time in my life where I'd hide my dinners and bin them, I'd only eat half of my meals at home. I'd do anything to not eat breakfast. I was always tired, I didn't know what to do with myself.

And you know what. I'm still getting over it. It's not exactly easy to get over it. I still have loads of problems with the amount that I eat, even though it's still only around half of what other people eat. I just can't stand my figure anymore. I always thought that the thinner that I was, the better. I've learnt since then that there are other ways to go about becoming thinner. Well, not thinner, I wouldn't be getting better if I was still trying to be smaller.

Okay, well I am technically because I still think I'm fat. And I do get stray thoughts sometimes where I think 'God, I can't wait to go to Uni, I don't have to worry about being forced to eat all the time. I can skip as many meals as I want'. And I hate to admit it, I'm sure that there will be a time when, and if, I go to Uni that I probably will have a relapse.

I hate being in the mental state of mind. But there's nothing I know I can do to get out of it. I can't tell my mum again, she'll take me back, I don't want to go back.

So, I'm trying to deal with this one on my own, though it's a lot harder than I thought.

Sometimes I do feel like just giving up. Just let my thoughts of starving myself to come over me again.

I mean, I was never bulimic. I've contemplated doing something like that, but I've never had the balls to do something like that.

That's one of the reasons why I love to read fiction novels like that, it comforts me to know, that even thought they're fictional, I can relate to them.

I hate it.

I sometimes wonder why I bother fighting. I know I'm fighting a losing battle. It's days like Easter that made me contemplate it even more. I see all the chocolate around me and I feel sick.

So, I've basically got all these eggs lying around and I don't know what to do about them.

I hate seeing them here. I might just give them away or something. I don't want them here.

They honestly do make me feel fat by just LOOKING at them

But anyway. Enough of my problems. I hope everyone is having a great holiday so far. I wish I could say the same. I've got a lot of revision to do now. The joyous holidays, right?